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Overcoming Separation Anxiety on the First Day of School
Entering a new environment can cause anxiety for children—and their parents. Find out how to overcome separation anxiety for a happier first day of school.
What You Can Do Before School
Preparing your child for school before his first day can greatly reduce any separation anxiety your child may feel when you leave. Here are some ways to familiarize your child with his new environment:
• Introduce your child ahead of time to common school activities, such as drawing pictures or storytelling.
• Visit your child’s classroom a few times before school starts to familiarise him/her with the space.
• Have your child meet his/her teacher.
Don’t minimize the importance of easing your fears as well as your child’s. If you feel guilty or worried about leaving him/her at school, your child will probably sense that. The more calm and assured you are, the more confident your child will be.
• RELATED: Countdown to School: A Timeline for Getting Ready for the Big Day.
To prepare yourself for the upcoming drop-off:
• Ask your child’s teacher what her procedure is when children are crying for their parents. Make sure a school staff member is ready to help your child with the transfer from your care to the classroom.
• Find out how the school structures its daily schedule. Many preschools begin with a daily ritual, such as “circle time” (when teachers and children talk about what they did the day before, and that day’s activities), to ease the move from home to school.
Tips for Goodbyes
Saying goodbye on that first day can be the hardest moment for parents and children. Here are five tips on how to ease the separation anxiety.
• Reintroduce the teacher to your child. Allow them to form an initial relationship. Make it clear that you trust the teacher and are at ease with her watching your child.
• Bring a friend from home. Ask the teacher whether your child can bring along a stuffed animal to keep in his/her cubby in case he/she needs comforting. It shouldn’t be his/her favourite one, though, because there’s no guarantee it will come home in one piece. Other favourite choices include a family picture, a special doll, or a favourite blanket.
• When it’s time to go, make sure to say goodbye to your child. Never sneak out. As tempting as it may be, leaving without saying goodbye to your child risks his/her trust in you.
• Once you say goodbye, leave promptly. A long farewell scene might only serve to reinforce a child’s sense that preschool is a bad place.
• Express your ease with leaving. Some parents wave from outside the classroom window or make a funny goodbye face.
• Don’t linger. The longer you stay, the harder it is. Let your child know that you’ll be there to pick her up, and say “See you later!” once he/she’s gotten involved in an activity.
• Create your ritual. One mum mentions that she kisses her son on the lips and gives him a butterfly kiss (her eyelashes on his cheek), and then they rub noses and hug. When the embrace is over, he knows it’s time for her to go to work.
• Learn the other children’s’ names. When you can call your child’s classmates by name, it makes school seem much more familiar and safe.
Source: The American Medical Association
By Karin A. Bilich, Ilisa Cohen, and the editors of Parents magazine
2 Comments
ZOE ARIA
HOW DO I AS A PARANT GET USED TO MY CHILD NOT BEING WITH ME.
Adepa Henewaa Opoku Gyemfi
Dear Zoe,
Thank you very much for your enquiry, we hope that our response below will be of help.
So usually, separation anxiety is linked to children, however, we must not underestimate the fact that parents also get anxious when they have to leave their children in a new environment for the first time. In fact, because parents are adult, they understand the anxiety feeling more and tend to appreciate its effect more the children.
The pain of separation can go far beyond simply missing your son or daughter after you drop them off. Some parents feel a very real sense of grief and loss; a lack of purpose or control.
Because having a child leave home to go to school is regarded as a measure of success for both the parents and the child as it is a sign that the child is all set to start a new phase of their lives– the downsides are often not adequately acknowledged. Parents are told dismissively to buck up, get a hobby or a cat and start seeing friends more, but “empty nest syndrome” can hard to cope with.
The weight of grief experienced can take you by surprise, and acknowledging the depth of sadness you are going through is key to accepting it.
A myth that surrounds empty nest syndrome is that it is only applicable to stay-at-home mothers, who have shaped their lives around the nurturing of their children. In reality, it can affect any kind of parent, whether you have a separate career or not.
Having a job outside of the house can provide structure and distraction, but by no means immunisation.
Making a plan for the initial goodbye gives a framework and can be comforting. It’s worth sorting out the practical aspects in advance. Some information is given in our earlier post.
Often though, the physical separation itself is not the hardest part, rather, it is the daily reality of your child living you at home in the morning every day.
Inevitably, you know less about their life at the time they are away from you ? are they eating well ? are they getting enough sleep ? are they crying because they miss you? worrying about their welfare can exacerbate the feelings of loneliness and loss.
However, we believe that communication is key; you need to give your child space to become independent and enjoy their new life, but staying in touch with the head of the school and finding out how they are is healthy for the parents.
Attend all parent-principal meetings and ask all questions that may be boarding you, keep close contact with the teachers and do not feel embarrassed to enquire about your child, do not be worried about being tagged as a “worried mum”.
There is a wealth of helpful and sympathetic advice out there, in the form of books and counselling. You might feel embarrassed about picking up a self-help guide, but they can be a good way of helping to explore your own feelings. Alternatively, talking to friends (some of whom may also be going through the same transition) can be helpful, or there are forums like mummy groups, you can share how you feel anonymously.
Although it may sound like a cliché, staying busy really does help. Children take up an awful lot of time, and – after giving yourself time to grieve – it is essential to fill up that now-free space with projects that mean something to you.
The most crucial thing of all is to never pass the weight of your own grief on to your child. It is absolutely fine to tell them that you missed them while they were at school but it won’t be ok to try to let them skip school for some days or sell the idea of them being allowed to stay home anytime they wanted, this will be an encouragement for missing school, which is not a great idea.
It is a sad and exciting time in equal measure, and the beginning of a new stage in your relationship with your son or daughter; by starting schooling, they have the chance to become more fully their own person. Day-Lewis recognised this perfectly when he ended his poem thus:
“Selfhood begins with a walking away/ And love is proved in the letting go.”