Dear Zoe,

Thank you very much for your enquiry, we hope that our response below will be of help.
So usually, separation anxiety is linked to children, however, we must not underestimate the fact that parents also get anxious when they have to leave their children in a new environment for the first time. In fact, because parents are adult, they understand the anxiety feeling more and tend to appreciate its effect more the children.

The pain of separation can go far beyond simply missing your son or daughter after you drop them off. Some parents feel a very real sense of grief and loss; a lack of purpose or control.

Because having a child leave home to go to school is regarded as a measure of success for both the parents and the child as it is a sign that the child is all set to start a new phase of their lives– the downsides are often not adequately acknowledged. Parents are told dismissively to buck up, get a hobby or a cat and start seeing friends more, but “empty nest syndrome” can hard to cope with.

The weight of grief experienced can take you by surprise, and acknowledging the depth of sadness you are going through is key to accepting it.
A myth that surrounds empty nest syndrome is that it is only applicable to stay-at-home mothers, who have shaped their lives around the nurturing of their children. In reality, it can affect any kind of parent, whether you have a separate career or not.

Having a job outside of the house can provide structure and distraction, but by no means immunisation.

Making a plan for the initial goodbye gives a framework and can be comforting. It’s worth sorting out the practical aspects in advance. Some information is given in our earlier post.

Often though, the physical separation itself is not the hardest part, rather, it is the daily reality of your child living you at home in the morning every day.

Inevitably, you know less about their life at the time they are away from you ? are they eating well ? are they getting enough sleep ? are they crying because they miss you? worrying about their welfare can exacerbate the feelings of loneliness and loss.

However, we believe that communication is key; you need to give your child space to become independent and enjoy their new life, but staying in touch with the head of the school and finding out how they are is healthy for the parents.

Attend all parent-principal meetings and ask all questions that may be boarding you, keep close contact with the teachers and do not feel embarrassed to enquire about your child, do not be worried about being tagged as a “worried mum”.

There is a wealth of helpful and sympathetic advice out there, in the form of books and counselling. You might feel embarrassed about picking up a self-help guide, but they can be a good way of helping to explore your own feelings. Alternatively, talking to friends (some of whom may also be going through the same transition) can be helpful, or there are forums like mummy groups, you can share how you feel anonymously.

Although it may sound like a cliché, staying busy really does help. Children take up an awful lot of time, and – after giving yourself time to grieve – it is essential to fill up that now-free space with projects that mean something to you.

The most crucial thing of all is to never pass the weight of your own grief on to your child. It is absolutely fine to tell them that you missed them while they were at school but it won’t be ok to try to let them skip school for some days or sell the idea of them being allowed to stay home anytime they wanted, this will be an encouragement for missing school, which is not a great idea.

It is a sad and exciting time in equal measure, and the beginning of a new stage in your relationship with your son or daughter; by starting schooling, they have the chance to become more fully their own person. Day-Lewis recognised this perfectly when he ended his poem thus:

“Selfhood begins with a walking away/ And love is proved in the letting go.”